Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Digital security in Ancient Troy
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Watermelon Boss!
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Don’t talk down to me
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam