I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
You Might Also Like
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Have kids, they said
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.