The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Received some very disappointing news today
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one