Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

And that about sums it up.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

japanese corn

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’