Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it