I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
![]()
You Might Also Like
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
![]()
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
And that about sums it up.
![]()
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
![]()
japanese corn
![]()
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
![]()
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’