Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon