WWE is French for “yes”
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
(yawn)
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers