THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You Might Also Like
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE