Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
You Might Also Like
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦