[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.