[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please