Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
This took me a second..
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.