Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
How high do the levels go?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight