This took me a second..
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.