I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!