[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”