the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…