I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere