the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.