the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!