@chuchugoogoo

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

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@visionbored2

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

@joeldanger

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

@truegritrumble

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

@andybaashford

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

@abbycohenwl

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

@seriouslyemily

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

@WilliamAder

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

@UNDEADTRESOR

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

@SvnSxty

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what