washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
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[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Wait a minute…
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.