Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’