H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes