Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
yeah not falling for this one
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Why I divorced her.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas