Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
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STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
This was a bad idea all around
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
So sick of all these stupid rules
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.