(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
You Might Also Like
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
You wish you had this many chins.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
So true for me
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Good news
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.