6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Vodka burrito was a success
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The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.