6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Sounds like a bargain
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
