6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
This could’ve been an email.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.