@AimeeHelene1

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

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@lazerdoov

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

@Juicedballs

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

@JermHimselfish

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

@sfreeze6

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

@TheCiscoKidder

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

@climaxximus

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

@Ygrene

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here