Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
dads on road-trips be like
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.