Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
When the battle starts, but it鈥檚 also laundry day
This is a bargain. I鈥檝e always paid at least $5.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa鈥檚 arrival.
the composer
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I鈥檝e somehow never heard of
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you haven鈥檛 touched your shrekfast yet
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe鈥檌c park
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.