@TwinSurvivalist

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

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@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

@dril

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

@papasuncle

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

@chuuew

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

@reallifemommy3

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

@brennadine

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

@MayorOfAsstown

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

@deloisivete

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’