I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
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IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I need to update my racial profile.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’