wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
You Might Also Like
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
Iâm 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didnât feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didnât feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didnât feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Just push go and letâs see what happens. Really, donât worry Iâll go next. *Famous last words…
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… iâve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Verbally offered ÂŁ24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid ÂŁ42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I donât know she hasnât returned my texts for over five minutes I think sheâs dead
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night đ
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Please bear with my nonsense…
…Iâve been in a very dork place lately.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kidđđ
yeah but what if it đ¶đ your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesnât like đđŒđ
Got to my dadâs house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes âand I have a guacamole ballâ whatâs a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didnât last.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is âhows your mom?â like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
âŠ@XplodingUnicornâ© LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. đđ
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
A lot to unpack hereâŠ
ButâŠgirl rabbits donât either.
AlsoâŠdoes Christ lay eggs?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Opening emails from the school.
âI know weâve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus bloodâ.