The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing