You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
describing stardew valley
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.