No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
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I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?