Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”