My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I’M CRYINGGG
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away