The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
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hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it