Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
i smell a pulitzer
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
mumsnet is amazing
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.