If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
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I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Monday
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.