@junejuly12

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

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@AnOrangeSNES

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

@SvnSxty

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

@3sunzzz

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

@FloodyHippie

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

@EmmaUtters

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair