If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking