I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
You Might Also Like
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Who did it better?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind