*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You Might Also Like
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.