[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
This is me
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.