the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I know a bad idea when I see one.