My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.