Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Is….Is this an option?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius