I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
The first matador
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”