Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
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Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
That took me a moment.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower