Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense