i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Risking my life for fun.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school