Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.