Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers