Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
He’s dead
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31