I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
cat vs inanimate object
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread