[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me buying fruit and veg
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car