Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.