Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
🤣🤣💀
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!