Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.