Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”